[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
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“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
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Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.