Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
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[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
That eye roll….
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Best table by far
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?