Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
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I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
groan^2
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Don’t forget to tip your server
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.