Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
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My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
the official breakfast of 2021
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
What’s a Messi?
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv