You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
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Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Sending in my taxes
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.