I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
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When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.