If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
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I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
The cashier just checked me out.