I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
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My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
I think we should hear other voices.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal