Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
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Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
CRYING
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.