I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
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ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii