(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
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[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
just left a huge legacy in there
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.