I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
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Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
this has to be peak English
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Rather alarming headline…
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Mouse
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.