Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
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When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from