I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
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Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it