Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
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judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Welcome
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.