Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
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*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
How dude HOW?!
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists