1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
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My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????