FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
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Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Care for your back
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Ovenable?