[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
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9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.