Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
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Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something