FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
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Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”