You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
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I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.