Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
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Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.