My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
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He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Hey I worked for it too!