‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
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My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree