If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
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I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.