A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
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You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters