Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
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The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”