There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
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Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Born to be mild.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
This probably isn’t good
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT