everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
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A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Dear Lord..
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
B
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.