ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
You Might Also Like
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon