Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
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[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today