When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
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I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
When ur friends with white people
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.