My brain is a bad influence on me
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*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.