Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
You Might Also Like
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!