Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
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Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
peak technology
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for