It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
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Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]