I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
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Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.