NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
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Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Facebook memories be like
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction