DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
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{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
The struggle is real
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Wikigenius
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.