[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
You Might Also Like
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
iPhone X
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.