Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
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Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
welp
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”