Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
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Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
cause of death:
autopsy.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’