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Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
🤭😂
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.