If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
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estão todos miauvindo?
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?