We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
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Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body