When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
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Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.