The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
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Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
my mom making me talk to relatives
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?