“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
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I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
So we got a goldfish…
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.