A leaf blower, but for people.
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How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
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M:
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M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.